This thread is what happens when frustration and desperation turn to humour and satire. It started with a plea written with tongue firmly in cheek, and rapidly took on a life of its own. The highlights are reproduced here, but reading the entire thread is recommended.

Apricotslice
This call for help was brought to you by the Apricot Mapping Service.

We at Apricot are so frustrated at the suicidal nature of the so-called auto-pilots currently fitted in ships, that all ship movements have been cancelled until further notice.

Further, we recommend extreme caution to anyone attempting to use them and seriously recommend you rip the god-damned thing out of the ship altogether and only fly manually until the problem is rectified and the perpetrator brought to justice.

Have a nice day.


Kitch
Customers are reminded that autopilots bought with ships from this station are sold without warranties...

Maybe consider purchasing the best-selling info manual:

"Autopilot and You, How to have an Easier and Longer life."

In summary the passages of particular relevence are in the "Do's and Don'ts of automated space flight" section:

Do make things easier for your autopilot. As it mainly comprises an Argonian Gerbil in a box with a rough sketch of the sector, some bits of string and a Sinclair Spectrum ZX81, anything you can do to ease your flight will help. Good examples are to head up above the ecliptic plane thus avoiding the majority of other traffic and spaceborne hazzards such as the fearsome Huge Magnetic Rocks of Death.

Don't ask your autopilot (gerbil) to navigate a dynamically changing asteroid dense area at full throttle whilst avoiding incoming pirate laser fire. Not that you can't, just you shouldn't as the gerbil will throw a wobbler and he has a better union than you.

Do remember, the autopilot disables for a reason. When it cuts out as it approaches a gate or other large object, this means that manual control is advised for greater accuracy and not, as some believe, a cause to sigh and hammer the "autopilot on" button again.

Do try and simplify the route. You can autopilot to near objects and use them as "stepping stones" to your intended destination which may provide a clearer, more trouble free path. The straightest route isn't always the best and is rarely the safest. Your gerbil has no windows in his box, so may not be aware that there are several large asteroids with spaces between that a smaller than the beam of the ship you're in.

Do bear in mind that gerbils as a race have no fear. They also believe that as alien races such as the Xenon and Khaak have not waged war against gerbil-kind that travel through their sectors will be uneventful.

Don't forget to feed and maintain you autopilot (gerbil) and replace every 2 jazura maximum.

Apricotslice


That was wonderful

Exactly what my post needed to be followed by !!!

philip yarde
Gerbils?, Gerbils?

Thats where your going wrong, the Boron use Hampsters

666Villain666
there's your problem right there. Using gerbils as navigators. Perhaps you misunderstood the man who sold you the rodents when he said with a evil smile: "Yeah, gerbils are good for getting to dark places..."

Apricotslice
I think we should demand the end of gerbil servitude immediately and get them replaced with a proper computer.

philip yarde
It all depends on what "size" ship you buy

S: Dung beatle
M: Gerbil
L: small yapping dog

Kitch

"Hey! Mr Egosoft... this gerbil's BIOS is out of date!"

Fun-X
I thought it was odd that I was only having a problem with my Boron Super Freighter. Then I figured it out. The gerbil is having trouble with the Boron ship, because the I think the Boron ship is filled with water or some other fluid, and thus the gerbil drowned.

I tried to contact one of the Boron ships to find out if that was the problem, and they kept saying, "The Boron don't require communication."

Sheesh, you would think the Boron would wise up and use a goldfish instead of a gerbil.

666Villain666
i've had a think about it....and, err....ummm, read some material....and i see another part of your problem. Other than my fore-mentioned post (Up the page people.), i see that you people are buying fresh, off the shelf gerbils.
This is a clear mistake. A brand new gerbil, fresh from the shop, has no idea where it is going. You need a seasoned vetern to understand the complexities, and indeed the dire nessessity, of navigating a dark region of space (Note: i did not say "A region of space that is dark." That's just childish and might draw the attention of a few of the smarter moderators.).
So stop shopping at R.G's Pet-O-Rama and go around to the guys house and raid his personal stash. If you happen to be the guy who gets there after the guy before, then steal R.G's dvd collection to watch between gates.

Dgn Master
BTW i think the gerbil fetish some of you seem to have is rather unhealthy, Besides they are clearly using guinea pigs

WarmMachineME
I'd say based on the fact that my errand running is twice as dangerous as my bounty hunting trips to pirate sectors, that the autopillok is obviously powered by lemmings.

NeilDingley
Gerbils?, I think you crediting the AutoPilot with to much inteligence.

It's really a long stick on the front of the ship with a push button on the end, to tell it when somethings in the way, then the ship just turns right, goes forward 50m then tries to head in a straight line towards it's target again.......

The Black Vegetable
You do realise Hamsters are pretty well blind don't you.
Going with the Gerbil is probably a better bet

The ZX81 and the Spectrum are 2 different things.

ZX81 had 0.5K memory and Spectrum had 48k EDIT: 1k (ZX80 had 0.5)

The ZX81 had a touch sensitive sheet of plastic as a keyboard with
the keys printed on it.
(well touch sensitive to a hammer anyway).

The Spectrum had rubber keys and my Hamster ate the letter k.

A bit sad that I know all this admittedly but there you are.

Voran
I suppose we should be glad they aren't using Lemmings. "Hey guys, lets take this convoy to Xenon 101!"

Apricotslice
So....I seen a few times in here how people are beating the Xenon in their own sectors by letting the ship pilot itself and turning seta on.

So I was meandering past Xenon 101 just now, and thought, what the hell, why not give it a try and see what happens.

So I gated in, gunned my trusty Centaur up while I turned on the attack all targets command. Then turned on seta.

The ship went berzerk ! It was everywhere and nowhere, it didnt take a hit from anything, it did very short bursts into targets and moved on to the next. All at high speed, and in true roller coaster motion.

Nothing at all could touch it.

And then you guessed it.........

It went splat straight into the exact center of the biggest roid in the entire sector !!!!!

I figured that was a good hint to check mail again.