This thread is what happens when
frustration and desperation turn to humour and satire. It started with
a plea written with tongue firmly in cheek, and rapidly took on a life
of its own. The highlights are reproduced here, but reading the entire
thread is recommended.
This call for help
was brought to you by the Apricot
We at Apricot are so frustrated at
the suicidal nature of the so-called
auto-pilots currently fitted in ships, that all ship movements have
been cancelled until further notice.
Further, we recommend extreme
caution to anyone attempting to use them
and seriously recommend you rip the god-damned thing out of the ship
altogether and only fly manually until the problem is rectified and the
perpetrator brought to justice.
Have a nice day.
Customers are reminded that autopilots bought with
ships from this station are sold without warranties...
Maybe consider purchasing the best-selling info manual:
"Autopilot and You, How to have an Easier and Longer life."
In summary the passages of particular relevence are in the "Do's and
Don'ts of automated space flight" section:
Do make things easier for your autopilot. As it mainly comprises an
Argonian Gerbil in a box with a rough sketch of the sector, some bits
of string and a Sinclair Spectrum ZX81, anything you can do to ease
your flight will help. Good examples are to head up above the ecliptic
plane thus avoiding the majority of other traffic and spaceborne
hazzards such as the fearsome Huge Magnetic Rocks of Death.
Don't ask your autopilot (gerbil) to navigate a dynamically
changing asteroid dense area at full throttle whilst avoiding incoming
pirate laser fire. Not that you can't, just you shouldn't as the gerbil
will throw a wobbler and he has a better union than you.
Do remember, the autopilot disables for a reason. When it cuts out
as it approaches a gate or other large object, this means that manual
control is advised for greater accuracy and not, as some believe, a
cause to sigh and hammer the "autopilot on" button again.
Do try and simplify the route. You can autopilot to near objects
and use them as "stepping stones" to your intended destination which
may provide a clearer, more trouble free path. The straightest route
isn't always the best and is rarely the safest. Your gerbil has no
windows in his box, so may not be aware that there are several large
asteroids with spaces between that a smaller than the beam of the ship
Do bear in mind that gerbils as a race have no fear. They also
believe that as alien races such as the Xenon and Khaak have not waged
war against gerbil-kind that travel through their sectors will be
Don't forget to feed and maintain you autopilot (gerbil) and replace
every 2 jazura maximum.
That was wonderful
Exactly what my post needed to be
followed by !!!
Thats where your going wrong, the Boron use Hampsters
there's your problem right there. Using gerbils
as navigators. Perhaps you misunderstood the man who sold you the
rodents when he said with a evil smile: "Yeah, gerbils are good for
getting to dark places..."
I think we
should demand the end of gerbil servitude immediately and get them
replaced with a proper computer.
i've had a think about it....and, err....ummm,
read some material....and i see another part of your problem. Other
than my fore-mentioned post (Up the page people.), i see that you
people are buying fresh, off the shelf gerbils.
It all depends on what "size" ship you buy
S: Dung beatle
L: small yapping dog
"Hey! Mr Egosoft... this
gerbil's BIOS is out of date!"
I thought it was odd that I was only having a
problem with my Boron Super Freighter. Then I figured it out. The
gerbil is having trouble with the Boron ship, because the I think the
Boron ship is filled with water or some other fluid, and thus the
I tried to contact one of the Boron ships to find out if that was the
problem, and they kept saying, "The Boron don't require communication."
Sheesh, you would think the Boron would wise up and use a goldfish
instead of a gerbil.
This is a clear mistake. A brand new gerbil, fresh from the
shop, has no idea where it is going. You need a seasoned vetern to
understand the complexities, and indeed the dire nessessity, of
navigating a dark region of space (Note: i did not say "A region of
space that is dark." That's just childish and might draw the attention
of a few of the smarter moderators.).
So stop shopping at R.G's Pet-O-Rama and go around to the guys
house and raid his personal stash. If you happen to be the guy who gets
there after the guy before, then steal R.G's dvd collection to watch
BTW i think the gerbil fetish some of you seem to
have is rather unhealthy, Besides they are clearly using guinea pigs
I'd say based on the
fact that my errand running
is twice as dangerous as my bounty hunting trips to pirate sectors,
that the autopillok is obviously powered by lemmings.
Gerbils?, I think you crediting the AutoPilot with to
It's really a long stick on the front of the ship with a push button on
the end, to tell it when somethings in the way, then the ship just
turns right, goes forward 50m then tries to head in a straight line
towards it's target again.......
You do realise Hamsters
are pretty well blind don't you.
Going with the Gerbil is probably a better bet
The ZX81 and the Spectrum are 2 different things.
ZX81 had 0.5K memory and Spectrum had 48k
EDIT: 1k (ZX80 had 0.5)
The ZX81 had a touch sensitive sheet of plastic as a keyboard with
the keys printed on it.
(well touch sensitive to a hammer anyway).
The Spectrum had rubber keys and my Hamster ate the letter k.
A bit sad that I know all this admittedly
but there you are.
I suppose we should be glad they aren't using
Lemmings. "Hey guys, lets take this convoy to Xenon 101!"
seen a few times in here how people are
beating the Xenon in their own sectors by letting the ship pilot itself
and turning seta on.
So I was meandering past Xenon 101 just now, and thought, what the
hell, why not give it a try and see what happens.
So I gated in, gunned my trusty Centaur up while I turned on the
attack all targets command. Then turned on seta.
The ship went berzerk ! It was everywhere and nowhere, it didnt
take a hit from anything, it did very short bursts into targets and
moved on to the next. All at high speed, and in true roller coaster
Nothing at all could touch it.
And then you guessed it.........
It went splat straight into the exact center of the biggest roid in the
entire sector !!!!!
I figured that was a good hint to check mail again.